ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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