Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
