I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
