I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
apparently the secret to your success is patron
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
