I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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