I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
