i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
