My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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