i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
