You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
