I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
