Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
