she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
