he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
