mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You ruined the universe
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
