u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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