I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
