I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
