I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
