New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
