90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
His nipple licking is glorious
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