No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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