I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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