Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
