I hate all girls vehemently.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
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