Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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