The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
