If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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