we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
