The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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