eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
