Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
