bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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