Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
