I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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