Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
