my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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