mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
