A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
