Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
