Your dad touched me again.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
try to milk me bitch
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