HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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