she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
