i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
