Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
