dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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