he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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