I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
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