Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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