I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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