I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
