Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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