Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
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