I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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