I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She bit a glass in half.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize